My first birthday

Today, well yesterday, but still technically today since I have not gone to bed yet, is my first birthday! :)

How quick time passes and now I have known the Lord personally for a whole year. In this one year, I truly experienced and learnt a lot. The best gift of all was for me to receive Father's love and also learning to love others. :)

I can say this has been the best year in my life. I can finally use the phrase, "the old has gone, the new has come". With Jesus one year ago, I was reborn. :)

My life has been ever transforming. I've slowly matured all thanks to Him, and also to my brothers and sisters around me.

It was heartwarming to hear people saying "Happy Birthday" to me. It might sound silly to many, but I know their joy when they say it. :) Having someone new joining the kingdom of God, that feeling is indescribable. So yeah, silly no more! Thank you all lovely people!!

His love makes me wanna praise more, makes me wanna sing more, makes me wanna dance, makes me wanna share, makes me wanna give, makes me wanna love. His love brings happy tears to my eyes. His love brings everlasting joy and peace to me. He is SO BIG. It's just so touching to be able to call a person SO MIGHTY my Father.

Next year will be even greater, with more testimonies to share, more blessings to give and receive, and more people around me discovering His great love.

Thank you, Abba.

The Red Wallet

Or red purse. Lol. I'd prefer to call it a wallet because it simply sounds more 'mature', even though it's really a purse. :)

Had a great time at service today. It has really been such a long while since I've jumped, praising His name. :) Pastor Willie is always so awesome at worship leading. All glory to God.

After dinner, I decided to join the brothers and sisters to watch Taken 2 AGAIN even after I've already watched it. Haha. I know right, how spendthrift of me. BUT know that I only made this decision because Ah Bao had the buy 1 free 1 ticket thingie and the movie was good, so I didn't mind a second watching.

After a headcount, altogether there were 7 peeps going. It was an odd number. This meant one ticket would have to use the original pricing. So, in the end I decided to opt out from the movie simply because I'm very 'kiam' and not willing to pay 12 bucks for the ticket. HEHEHE.

It would be boring to just stay at home though. So I thought why not visit Starbucks, leech off their Internet and just enjoy my own computer shows while they went and watch the movie. I really like having alone time in places like Starbucks. The ambience is just so calming.

So there I was, chit chatting with Belden before he left for the movie. After he left, I decided to visit the restroom. I lugged my laptop bag with me, all the way to find the nearest restroom. And TOOK MY TIME. After all, I had the night to myself.

And then I realised. WHERE IS MY WALLET?

I quickly refreshed my memory and remembered I left it on the Starbucks seat. I was panicking. What if someone stole it already? What is the workers took it and decided to keep it for themselves? I RAN ALL THE WAY BACK.

While running, I couldn't stop praying. I really couldn't. I just mumbled the whole way through, "Lord, please let my wallet be safe. Please let it return into my possession again. Please please please please ....."

As I neared Starbucks, I glanced to my seat and it was GONE. It wasn't there anymore. I walked in and I was near to tears.

Then suddenly a group of students called me, "excuse me!!!"

"I think this is yours. We went to look for you but we lost track of you. Thank God you came back."

THANK GOD INDEED.

I couldn't stop thanking them. To a certain extent I kept bowing to them like crazy. Like BOWING. My body was like folding at a sharp 90 degrees. Lol. Oh, how stupid I must have looked. But I really praise God. Praise Him because such nice people exists. Praise Him because He answered my prayers.

Tonight I can sleep smiling. :)

Is it worth it?

Sometimes these ugly thoughts enter my mind. It is hard to filter whether doing certain things are worth it or not. But I know for those things, I did with one motive, one reason, that is to glorify God. This single piece of reason just calms me altogether.

Even though I know it's hard to continue when there's no motivation. When people take you for granted. But I fret not. Because all these I did it for God.

Yes. It's worth it.

These past few weeks has been a struggle. I know I'm not gaining strength from God. And I'm not alone. Many other brothers and sisters as well, they feel at an unrest. It was tiring, it was just taxing. Everything I did, I pray everyday I can continue it with a cheerful heart. I pray that I can depend on God.

It was easier said than done. How can one just rest in God? It was a struggle for me. I kept looking to Him, only to see myself in the mirror. Only to see how much I did on my own strength. I kept praying to Him, only to receive negative feedback from others. I kept striving, in search for His presence, only to drown myself again in my own pool of negative emotions.

I was lost.

And then I realised, I was trying to fill my own cup. How can Father fill up my cup which was already full from my own effort? He can only fill an empty cup. And that's when I opened completely to Him. To let Him fill my cup.

I could feel the strong splatter of the first drop in the empty cup. It was refreshing. As if taking a first gulp after a marathon. I could feel it rain all over my body. He was filling it and I am glad. I am glad I could still find Him.

He will never fail. Even when others around you don't see it, He sees it all. He knows you better than anyone else.

I am thankful for this short retreat back to my hometown. A time I can just be close to Him personally, without plannings, without activities, without meetings, without exerting any effort.

Just me and Him.

Just the two of us. :)

Thank you Father. 

r e s t

Our Father says, rest.

Are you feeling too tired to try again? Feeling too tired with that mind constantly devouring every single thought, tearing out every aspect of it from beginning till the end. My mind is raping my thoughts. Literally. It functions by itself to bring out every single thought present and then concentrate on it too much until I've lost partial sanity.

Tonight I heard God. He said rest.

Rest in Him. Oh Lord Jesus. He awaits us with arms open wide as we run towards Him. He's there waiting. All we need to do is to start moving in His direction. Our giant leaps, to Him will seem like cute baby steps, we just need to look to Him.

Everlasting pouring love.

His warm embrace. His sweet voice from above telling us in a smile, "My child, stop. Stop using your own strength. I'm here for you."

"I'm here."

Tongue tied

The feeling when you know that there's nothing you can say to make things better. The moment you just pray that you can feel the Holy Spirit in you so you speak words to comfort the heart of those around you. I need that. Wisdom in speech.

"I was surrounded. Everyone at the table was tensed. I pray and pray, whatever that may exit from my mouth would edify others. As I recall, I structure my words properly. Each line holds the weight of different responsibilities. I can't just throw it around.

I need to be careful. Is it better if I just left things quieter? Will it be better if I just kept it to myself?

No. As Martin Luther King would say, 'I'm not only responsible for the things I've said, but also responsible for the things I did not say.'

I finally released those words. I could feel gushes of wind exiting from my mouth as I pronounced the words slowly. Instantly, a weight was lifted. I shared the burden. The glory of the Holy Spirit. It flows and flows.

Now comes another part. How many would take my words lightly? While how many would accept it hard? It's not just words to me when I speak. It's the result of proper thinking. To make sure I don't stumble anyone. Well, if I did, I may as well say that I have failed."

Tongue tied. Oh   Father, please let your Spirit flow and guide me as I speak . 

Now and forever. 

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. -Psalm 19:14

Words

It's beautiful how a situation can be perfectly described with just plain words. Words, something so small, but hold so much. I forgot. When was the first time I was intrigued to be addicted to writing? When was the first time I started to own a diary, before blogs came about?

I document my life. Not in pictures, but in words. Diary entries, blog posts, song lyrics. Every single word is taken into detail, with every drop of emotion poured into it. Whatever the language, words can express so much. It can boost up a person's self-esteem but it can also strip him bare. Instantly. Words can really change people.

The word of God. Without these words, how true will our prophecies, our revelations be? God is good. I want to grow more. I want note down every ittty bit of His love. I want the whole world to read my writing and say,

"This girl really knows her God."

"This girl really knows the measure of His love."

Let my stories be a blessing to others. Let my life be the life He would use me for.

Innocence

Yesterday we had prayer meeting. Went there earlier to accompany Rox for her first time serving as a pianist in church. Finished work early, got up and was about to leave, then suddenly an unknowing colleague walked behind me and spilled milo all over me. I was appalled. The day was pretty bad as it is, I mean collecting my emotional baggage and now this just had to happen.

I stormed all the way home. My heart was heavy. Like a rock. No, like so much more. I quickly rushed home to sneak a quick bath and changed. Kerry arrived at 6.15 sharp to fetch both me and Rox, and then it was off to church.

Terry asked me, "Choulyew, eat already or not?"

I said, "Already."

Seriously, what was the significance of that lie. In truth, I just don't have any appetite. I had no appetite for the past few days. I reckon it's not good because I'm skipping meals not because I want to, but because I just don't have the will to eat anymore.

As I watched them practiced, my heart was lifted slightly. As Apollos lead the team in practice, it amazes me to see how much joy is contained in one man. They cracked jokes out of nowhere. It was cheerful. I laughed alongside them, but I could feel myself very far from them. After the laughter, I'm back in that little shell of mine again.

I checked out these symptoms online. Seems like I'm having depression. Wow. Having depression without even knowing it. All I know is when I'm around friends, I make myself cheerful. I make myself fit in. Having a long face will not make any positive statement. Having a long face would only drag the mood down. So, I keep that hidden expressions behind me whenever I talked to them. These few days, why is this happening to me?

Ugh.

From afar, I could see my shepherd giving me concerned looks. I could feel she wants to know what's going on. But, I just can't share it. Not now anyway.

Prayer meeting started and Pastor Moses lead the night. It started out high. We just praised Him. Apollos then lead worship. Almost everyone jumped to the great praise. Then the mood changed when we started the slow songs. I glanced through the hall and saw sad faces. Not sad, probably faces touched by God. I believe I had that face too. It was a low expression. Everyone was just basking in the presence of God, remembering their worries and knowing how God can heal all that.

At the corner of my eye, I noticed someone else basking in God's presence in her own way. She was dancing. A little girl, probably aged 8, was dancing to the soothing music for the Lord. Her innocence brought tears to my eyes. And the burden I carried on my shoulders that night, I could feel it being lifted off, just by watching this little girl dance.

She moved in twirls and would occasionally lose balance, but that didn't make her give up. She continued to lift her hands like a ballet dancer, probably something she saw on television. She made circles and at some point she would lift her legs. But being just a child, even though she used all her might, her legs would only go so high. Every time her leg lift was successful, she would smile and laugh while gesturing her arms, as if to compliment herself on the job well done.

Her dance made me enjoy God's presence so much more.

I was so concerned with my problems, I forgot how much a bigger person my God is. I forgot how much He loves me. Why am I worrying? Why am I depressed? My God is so much greater.

Yes, He is so much greater.

I returned home that night with a filled heart. Not filled with worries, but filled with realization of His love.

I know to a certain extent I was not healed fully. Glances of images would run through my head from time to time, but I know I have nothing to worry about when I have Him.

Thank you little girl. :) Your dance was truly graceful.