Tongue tied

The feeling when you know that there's nothing you can say to make things better. The moment you just pray that you can feel the Holy Spirit in you so you speak words to comfort the heart of those around you. I need that. Wisdom in speech.

"I was surrounded. Everyone at the table was tensed. I pray and pray, whatever that may exit from my mouth would edify others. As I recall, I structure my words properly. Each line holds the weight of different responsibilities. I can't just throw it around.

I need to be careful. Is it better if I just left things quieter? Will it be better if I just kept it to myself?

No. As Martin Luther King would say, 'I'm not only responsible for the things I've said, but also responsible for the things I did not say.'

I finally released those words. I could feel gushes of wind exiting from my mouth as I pronounced the words slowly. Instantly, a weight was lifted. I shared the burden. The glory of the Holy Spirit. It flows and flows.

Now comes another part. How many would take my words lightly? While how many would accept it hard? It's not just words to me when I speak. It's the result of proper thinking. To make sure I don't stumble anyone. Well, if I did, I may as well say that I have failed."

Tongue tied. Oh   Father, please let your Spirit flow and guide me as I speak . 

Now and forever. 

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. -Psalm 19:14

Words

It's beautiful how a situation can be perfectly described with just plain words. Words, something so small, but hold so much. I forgot. When was the first time I was intrigued to be addicted to writing? When was the first time I started to own a diary, before blogs came about?

I document my life. Not in pictures, but in words. Diary entries, blog posts, song lyrics. Every single word is taken into detail, with every drop of emotion poured into it. Whatever the language, words can express so much. It can boost up a person's self-esteem but it can also strip him bare. Instantly. Words can really change people.

The word of God. Without these words, how true will our prophecies, our revelations be? God is good. I want to grow more. I want note down every ittty bit of His love. I want the whole world to read my writing and say,

"This girl really knows her God."

"This girl really knows the measure of His love."

Let my stories be a blessing to others. Let my life be the life He would use me for.

Innocence

Yesterday we had prayer meeting. Went there earlier to accompany Rox for her first time serving as a pianist in church. Finished work early, got up and was about to leave, then suddenly an unknowing colleague walked behind me and spilled milo all over me. I was appalled. The day was pretty bad as it is, I mean collecting my emotional baggage and now this just had to happen.

I stormed all the way home. My heart was heavy. Like a rock. No, like so much more. I quickly rushed home to sneak a quick bath and changed. Kerry arrived at 6.15 sharp to fetch both me and Rox, and then it was off to church.

Terry asked me, "Choulyew, eat already or not?"

I said, "Already."

Seriously, what was the significance of that lie. In truth, I just don't have any appetite. I had no appetite for the past few days. I reckon it's not good because I'm skipping meals not because I want to, but because I just don't have the will to eat anymore.

As I watched them practiced, my heart was lifted slightly. As Apollos lead the team in practice, it amazes me to see how much joy is contained in one man. They cracked jokes out of nowhere. It was cheerful. I laughed alongside them, but I could feel myself very far from them. After the laughter, I'm back in that little shell of mine again.

I checked out these symptoms online. Seems like I'm having depression. Wow. Having depression without even knowing it. All I know is when I'm around friends, I make myself cheerful. I make myself fit in. Having a long face will not make any positive statement. Having a long face would only drag the mood down. So, I keep that hidden expressions behind me whenever I talked to them. These few days, why is this happening to me?

Ugh.

From afar, I could see my shepherd giving me concerned looks. I could feel she wants to know what's going on. But, I just can't share it. Not now anyway.

Prayer meeting started and Pastor Moses lead the night. It started out high. We just praised Him. Apollos then lead worship. Almost everyone jumped to the great praise. Then the mood changed when we started the slow songs. I glanced through the hall and saw sad faces. Not sad, probably faces touched by God. I believe I had that face too. It was a low expression. Everyone was just basking in the presence of God, remembering their worries and knowing how God can heal all that.

At the corner of my eye, I noticed someone else basking in God's presence in her own way. She was dancing. A little girl, probably aged 8, was dancing to the soothing music for the Lord. Her innocence brought tears to my eyes. And the burden I carried on my shoulders that night, I could feel it being lifted off, just by watching this little girl dance.

She moved in twirls and would occasionally lose balance, but that didn't make her give up. She continued to lift her hands like a ballet dancer, probably something she saw on television. She made circles and at some point she would lift her legs. But being just a child, even though she used all her might, her legs would only go so high. Every time her leg lift was successful, she would smile and laugh while gesturing her arms, as if to compliment herself on the job well done.

Her dance made me enjoy God's presence so much more.

I was so concerned with my problems, I forgot how much a bigger person my God is. I forgot how much He loves me. Why am I worrying? Why am I depressed? My God is so much greater.

Yes, He is so much greater.

I returned home that night with a filled heart. Not filled with worries, but filled with realization of His love.

I know to a certain extent I was not healed fully. Glances of images would run through my head from time to time, but I know I have nothing to worry about when I have Him.

Thank you little girl. :) Your dance was truly graceful. 

Sleepless Night

I'm having one sleepless night I haven't had in a long while. I've always wondered how having a sleepless night felt like. For months I was fooled into thinking I had insomnia because I would toss and turn on my bed until 3 in the morning just to fall asleep.

Tonight I discovered that my past nights are just nights I wasn't tired enough. Tonight was the real insomnia. Every minute of it was excruciating. Without being able to sleep, constantly thinking. A time where my mind would not stop running.

Do you know how torturing it is?

"It's not as bad as it sounds," I tell myself. Who am I kidding? How can I be strong through every waking minute. I have so many questions, eager to find out all the answers. I'm happy yet I'm sad. The feeling is indescribable.

What should I feel now? I guess I'm just numb. To all this. Too numb to sleep. 

Too numb to feel anything right now.  I tried to cry, but  why aren't my tears flowing? It's dry. 

Grateful

Yesterday was the first time I served as a pianist in a Combined Life Group! :)

Truly thank those who have guided me to play! Roxanne, Terry, Caroline.. most importantly, thank you Father. :) I felt your presence in me.

Amen!