All about that special person :)

Today is Christmas! Yay! Happy birthday to Jesus. :)

Just had an awesome celebration with my church family yesterday on Christmas eve! It was truly a blessed night. We started off with a great meal of steamboat!! Really gotta give all applauses to those who prepared for this great meal.

Then we went for a spontaneous caroling session in ss2 mall. It was 9.40 pm. The mall was closing. It was near to being empty. Indeed, it was a crazy idea to begin with, BUT, with God's favour, we managed to bless THREE outlets with our Christmas songs and candy canes. The experience was so phenomenal.

I just can't express how great it feels to be able to spread the joy of the Lord. Singing while smiling, and while giving out candy canes to strangers. Having them responding with a big smile, "Merry Christmas to you too", really blew me away. I was over the top. Thank you so much God for making this experience an awesome one.

And thank you to Xin Yi (one of our awesome church member, also an extremely pretty sister inside and out) for persisting to having this caroling session. Every time she organizes something, the plan really goes on. Her persistence in every thing she does really inspires me. I feel so young when I hang out with her!!!

I just want to mention THREE things that hit me tonight. Some things are faithful reminders, while some are just pure inspiring.

1. God is always with us.

Indeed a reminder many Christians miss out on. God is always here with us. Having a Christmas celebration with the right reason in mind, that is to celebrate Jesus' birth, really makes us appreciate our God a whole lot more. And it really reminds me tonight that no one or thing is greater than Him. He is always here; yesterday, today and forever. :')

2. We can make a difference with God.

We can really make a difference in our everyday lives. Each and every experience we had with God can bless others. Each and every action we do can reflect God within us, just like today's caroling. I could see faces whom are genuinely happy to hear us sing. And I could hear claps for us as we finish our songs. It may be a small gesture, but in these every little small gestures, God's love is made known. :)

3. God shows us new things.

HE REALLY DOES. Tonight has been such a great testimony to His name. Not just the caroling, but also through the presence of a few particular people. A young lad brought his two friends who had some complications in communication. This young lad's constant effort to use sign language to tell his friends on what is going on really really inspires me. I never knew this young lad had so much in him. :) Not until today. God showed me this new thing tonight.

Lovely start to a beautiful day. :)

Thank you, Jesus. 

We just never bothered

It was all there. I recently saw a friend's blog. It was so detailed. When I read it, my tears fell. I never knew she had come such a long way from her past, from her experiences in life. When I met her in person, she would always smile at me. She would always be the first one to encourage me in the sea of people.

Never would I have guessed this positive person had such a dark past. A past which I would have never been able to let go, but she did.

Her stories are all there. But, we just never bothered. We never bothered to read it, to feel it or to understand her.

Today, I got curious about her. I wondered if she had anything in her life now that is disrupting her. Recently, she felt different. Perhaps something was bothering her. Being me, I dug deeper. And there I was, stumbling myself upon her blog.


And as I read every word, I cringe at how much she has been through. Thank God she has Jesus. Else, I wouldn't know anything which could've helped her go through this mess.

But being human, we get weak over and over. Troubles will come and hit over and over. It won't stop. But when we believe in Jesus, it will. When we believe that Jesus got our back, He really does carry us through our burdens. No one can be a bigger testimony than this friend of mine.

I have met a lot of different people in my 22 years of living. I know, I know, that might not be a very big number to speak for experiences, BUT yes, I believe even the littlest experiences count. Most of the people I've met fret over love problems. They fret over one-sided feelings. They fret over not having enough money. They fret over not having enough skills to become a famous TV star.

But this friend, I never saw her fret about romantic feelings. I never saw her fret about her skills and thinking she's not good enough. I began to wonder, "is she normal at all?" 

When I read her blog, I found out that she was indeed normal, just that her problems are not petty, not like the most of ours. Reading about her problems made me feel like I had nothing to worry about at all as far as my life goes. It made me appreciate what I had. It made me thank God I didn't have to go through what she went through.

Honestly, I wouldn't be as strong as her. I would've ended my life far back. But she stood till today. Because Jesus was and still is her pillar of strength. 

It amazes me how God can give such tremendous courage to a girl who almost lost everything in her life. It amazes me how His love is enough for us to receive and to give. It really amazes me how God made her a wonderful living testimony in our eyes.

God is always so good.

Now, as I look at this girl the next time I see her, I will look at her with different eyes. My eyes will be filled with joy and hope because I know that this girl has God working in her. And nothing can be more beautiful than that.

Thank you Father as you love us so much. You are worthy. :)

Finally

She let down her hair. Heaved a heavy sigh of relief.

"So this is how it feels like after a long time."

:')

She closed her eyes. A single tear fell. No, it was not sadness. It was relief. Times have been pretty rough. The stress, emotionally and physically. She could finally swim up for air. 

It was normal to smile again. 

My God brought me through my obstacles.

He is the same yesterday, today and forever. 

:')

Supernatural

It's really awesome how a full night spent with Him can change everything.  Really awesome how when people of God are with you, everything seems fine again. My God is bigger than all my problems!!!

Thank you God and thank you, my pretty little shepherd. God really gave you so much wisdom. You made me smile a whole lot brighter now.

Tonight's prayer meeting was SOOO MINISTERING. I can feel like my problems are being raped and torn down one by one. His presence can minister to different people with different problems all at the same time. :)

I will seek Your face. Call upon Your name, Jesus. All I want is You. Jesus, Jesus.

A quote I learnt from my shepherd "Learn to give others the same considerations you give yourself. Find gold in their lives, not dirt."

To the Anon who commented on my last post: 

Seems like this cocoon is ready to break free. 

Because my God is able. :)

She stood there

With thoughts running through her mind. Stop! She yelled, but no one else understood. They thought she was  out of her mind.

When was the last time overthinking happened? Oh yeah, just yesterday. Why did it happen? Oh yeah, no idea. 

She wants to run away. Just. Too. Much. Drama. But she knew if she did, she would regret it. She knew if she had ran away, she would have lost her identity. The identity in the Person who loves her most. 

Stop putting lies into her head. I TELL YOU TO STOP! Stop making her think all of this. STOP IT. It's not fun anymore. She hates it. She hates it. 

"A girl who have lost the person whom she thought was close to her." Stop making her think that. She's not needy. She's not reliant. That girl, was truly just important. To lose her would be shattering. But what can she do about it? Nothing. She can do or say nothing without making it sound like an excuse.

Like a cocoon she wrapped herself up. 'Today felt different' she thought to herself. It probably was. 

What is she writing about now? No idea. 

Too many riddles.

Do I

owe anyone an explanation?

Words, why would you evade me at a time like this? I can't put everything in words.

Ever wondered how important your words are to someone? For example, a husband would take his wife' words so importantly because he trusts her. A daughter would believe the words her mother chooses to tell her.

Our words are so impactful. Especially to those who treasure us. The more our value is to them, the more valued our words. Instead, how many of us think of this before we choose to speak?

Today, a person might have probably told his/her parents about a certain friend. His/her parents would have completely believed in him/her. But what if, WHAT IF that person's words weren't true?

What if we say things so lightly without knowing how much weight it would have brought to another person we were talking about?

How careful is careful enough?

I've been reading a lot lately. And I came across an article. "Gossip is never good because the other person is not there to defend himself."

This brought realisation to me. But I guess the realisation will never hit deep until we're the ones people are talking about. Whatever we say after are merely just attempts to save ourselves from their already blotched thoughts. Whatever we say after will never have an impact greater than the first news. Whatever we say after probably won't even matter anymore.

God is almighty. Despite all our fall shorts, He still loves us. It is hard to even love myself, and to have Him loving me, I feel overwhelmed.

I can't wait till the day I can stand up tall, 

after going through all this, telling everyone,

 "I got over it because I ran to my God. :)"

Your hand

Here's a little experiment.

Look at your hand. What do you see? Fine lines? Popping veins? Intricate fingers? Or big bulky fingers? Pointy fingernails? Squarish nail bed? Nail polish? Why that colour? What about your palm? Constantly sweaty? Or always cold? Reddish? Or is it pale? Rough? Or baby smooth skin? What about its shape? Angular? Or turgid? Is it weak? Or is it strong?

All hands, despite how different they look, they bear a responsibility. All hands have worries, have burdens. All hands want to work for the best. Despite skin colour, gender, all hands, wants happiness. All hands wants to be cared for. All hands wants to live for something. 

But sometimes we overwork. We tend to tire our hands out. We strain and strain till the day it breaks. Till we realise, even our hands can't help us now. Till we realise all that's left to do is to use it to wipe our tears. All that we do is to clench it together, frustrated and thinking, "I could've done better" or "I don't want to do this anymore."

When will that day arrive? It already has. It is constant. We get tired so often. Too often in fact. How can we depend on ourselves? How long more can we continue to strive with our bare, weak, little hands.

There truly is only ONE hand we can depend on forever. Those hands which will never let go. Those hands which will always embrace us, despite us falling short. Those hands of He who made us.

Those pair of hands which were always there, yet we were too blind to see, or even sometimes, refuse to see.

How sweet Thy  hands. How very very sweet.

I am loved. :)

My first birthday

Today, well yesterday, but still technically today since I have not gone to bed yet, is my first birthday! :)

How quick time passes and now I have known the Lord personally for a whole year. In this one year, I truly experienced and learnt a lot. The best gift of all was for me to receive Father's love and also learning to love others. :)

I can say this has been the best year in my life. I can finally use the phrase, "the old has gone, the new has come". With Jesus one year ago, I was reborn. :)

My life has been ever transforming. I've slowly matured all thanks to Him, and also to my brothers and sisters around me.

It was heartwarming to hear people saying "Happy Birthday" to me. It might sound silly to many, but I know their joy when they say it. :) Having someone new joining the kingdom of God, that feeling is indescribable. So yeah, silly no more! Thank you all lovely people!!

His love makes me wanna praise more, makes me wanna sing more, makes me wanna dance, makes me wanna share, makes me wanna give, makes me wanna love. His love brings happy tears to my eyes. His love brings everlasting joy and peace to me. He is SO BIG. It's just so touching to be able to call a person SO MIGHTY my Father.

Next year will be even greater, with more testimonies to share, more blessings to give and receive, and more people around me discovering His great love.

Thank you, Abba.

The Red Wallet

Or red purse. Lol. I'd prefer to call it a wallet because it simply sounds more 'mature', even though it's really a purse. :)

Had a great time at service today. It has really been such a long while since I've jumped, praising His name. :) Pastor Willie is always so awesome at worship leading. All glory to God.

After dinner, I decided to join the brothers and sisters to watch Taken 2 AGAIN even after I've already watched it. Haha. I know right, how spendthrift of me. BUT know that I only made this decision because Ah Bao had the buy 1 free 1 ticket thingie and the movie was good, so I didn't mind a second watching.

After a headcount, altogether there were 7 peeps going. It was an odd number. This meant one ticket would have to use the original pricing. So, in the end I decided to opt out from the movie simply because I'm very 'kiam' and not willing to pay 12 bucks for the ticket. HEHEHE.

It would be boring to just stay at home though. So I thought why not visit Starbucks, leech off their Internet and just enjoy my own computer shows while they went and watch the movie. I really like having alone time in places like Starbucks. The ambience is just so calming.

So there I was, chit chatting with Belden before he left for the movie. After he left, I decided to visit the restroom. I lugged my laptop bag with me, all the way to find the nearest restroom. And TOOK MY TIME. After all, I had the night to myself.

And then I realised. WHERE IS MY WALLET?

I quickly refreshed my memory and remembered I left it on the Starbucks seat. I was panicking. What if someone stole it already? What is the workers took it and decided to keep it for themselves? I RAN ALL THE WAY BACK.

While running, I couldn't stop praying. I really couldn't. I just mumbled the whole way through, "Lord, please let my wallet be safe. Please let it return into my possession again. Please please please please ....."

As I neared Starbucks, I glanced to my seat and it was GONE. It wasn't there anymore. I walked in and I was near to tears.

Then suddenly a group of students called me, "excuse me!!!"

"I think this is yours. We went to look for you but we lost track of you. Thank God you came back."

THANK GOD INDEED.

I couldn't stop thanking them. To a certain extent I kept bowing to them like crazy. Like BOWING. My body was like folding at a sharp 90 degrees. Lol. Oh, how stupid I must have looked. But I really praise God. Praise Him because such nice people exists. Praise Him because He answered my prayers.

Tonight I can sleep smiling. :)

Is it worth it?

Sometimes these ugly thoughts enter my mind. It is hard to filter whether doing certain things are worth it or not. But I know for those things, I did with one motive, one reason, that is to glorify God. This single piece of reason just calms me altogether.

Even though I know it's hard to continue when there's no motivation. When people take you for granted. But I fret not. Because all these I did it for God.

Yes. It's worth it.

These past few weeks has been a struggle. I know I'm not gaining strength from God. And I'm not alone. Many other brothers and sisters as well, they feel at an unrest. It was tiring, it was just taxing. Everything I did, I pray everyday I can continue it with a cheerful heart. I pray that I can depend on God.

It was easier said than done. How can one just rest in God? It was a struggle for me. I kept looking to Him, only to see myself in the mirror. Only to see how much I did on my own strength. I kept praying to Him, only to receive negative feedback from others. I kept striving, in search for His presence, only to drown myself again in my own pool of negative emotions.

I was lost.

And then I realised, I was trying to fill my own cup. How can Father fill up my cup which was already full from my own effort? He can only fill an empty cup. And that's when I opened completely to Him. To let Him fill my cup.

I could feel the strong splatter of the first drop in the empty cup. It was refreshing. As if taking a first gulp after a marathon. I could feel it rain all over my body. He was filling it and I am glad. I am glad I could still find Him.

He will never fail. Even when others around you don't see it, He sees it all. He knows you better than anyone else.

I am thankful for this short retreat back to my hometown. A time I can just be close to Him personally, without plannings, without activities, without meetings, without exerting any effort.

Just me and Him.

Just the two of us. :)

Thank you Father. 

r e s t

Our Father says, rest.

Are you feeling too tired to try again? Feeling too tired with that mind constantly devouring every single thought, tearing out every aspect of it from beginning till the end. My mind is raping my thoughts. Literally. It functions by itself to bring out every single thought present and then concentrate on it too much until I've lost partial sanity.

Tonight I heard God. He said rest.

Rest in Him. Oh Lord Jesus. He awaits us with arms open wide as we run towards Him. He's there waiting. All we need to do is to start moving in His direction. Our giant leaps, to Him will seem like cute baby steps, we just need to look to Him.

Everlasting pouring love.

His warm embrace. His sweet voice from above telling us in a smile, "My child, stop. Stop using your own strength. I'm here for you."

"I'm here."

Tongue tied

The feeling when you know that there's nothing you can say to make things better. The moment you just pray that you can feel the Holy Spirit in you so you speak words to comfort the heart of those around you. I need that. Wisdom in speech.

"I was surrounded. Everyone at the table was tensed. I pray and pray, whatever that may exit from my mouth would edify others. As I recall, I structure my words properly. Each line holds the weight of different responsibilities. I can't just throw it around.

I need to be careful. Is it better if I just left things quieter? Will it be better if I just kept it to myself?

No. As Martin Luther King would say, 'I'm not only responsible for the things I've said, but also responsible for the things I did not say.'

I finally released those words. I could feel gushes of wind exiting from my mouth as I pronounced the words slowly. Instantly, a weight was lifted. I shared the burden. The glory of the Holy Spirit. It flows and flows.

Now comes another part. How many would take my words lightly? While how many would accept it hard? It's not just words to me when I speak. It's the result of proper thinking. To make sure I don't stumble anyone. Well, if I did, I may as well say that I have failed."

Tongue tied. Oh   Father, please let your Spirit flow and guide me as I speak . 

Now and forever. 

May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. -Psalm 19:14

Words

It's beautiful how a situation can be perfectly described with just plain words. Words, something so small, but hold so much. I forgot. When was the first time I was intrigued to be addicted to writing? When was the first time I started to own a diary, before blogs came about?

I document my life. Not in pictures, but in words. Diary entries, blog posts, song lyrics. Every single word is taken into detail, with every drop of emotion poured into it. Whatever the language, words can express so much. It can boost up a person's self-esteem but it can also strip him bare. Instantly. Words can really change people.

The word of God. Without these words, how true will our prophecies, our revelations be? God is good. I want to grow more. I want note down every ittty bit of His love. I want the whole world to read my writing and say,

"This girl really knows her God."

"This girl really knows the measure of His love."

Let my stories be a blessing to others. Let my life be the life He would use me for.

Innocence

Yesterday we had prayer meeting. Went there earlier to accompany Rox for her first time serving as a pianist in church. Finished work early, got up and was about to leave, then suddenly an unknowing colleague walked behind me and spilled milo all over me. I was appalled. The day was pretty bad as it is, I mean collecting my emotional baggage and now this just had to happen.

I stormed all the way home. My heart was heavy. Like a rock. No, like so much more. I quickly rushed home to sneak a quick bath and changed. Kerry arrived at 6.15 sharp to fetch both me and Rox, and then it was off to church.

Terry asked me, "Choulyew, eat already or not?"

I said, "Already."

Seriously, what was the significance of that lie. In truth, I just don't have any appetite. I had no appetite for the past few days. I reckon it's not good because I'm skipping meals not because I want to, but because I just don't have the will to eat anymore.

As I watched them practiced, my heart was lifted slightly. As Apollos lead the team in practice, it amazes me to see how much joy is contained in one man. They cracked jokes out of nowhere. It was cheerful. I laughed alongside them, but I could feel myself very far from them. After the laughter, I'm back in that little shell of mine again.

I checked out these symptoms online. Seems like I'm having depression. Wow. Having depression without even knowing it. All I know is when I'm around friends, I make myself cheerful. I make myself fit in. Having a long face will not make any positive statement. Having a long face would only drag the mood down. So, I keep that hidden expressions behind me whenever I talked to them. These few days, why is this happening to me?

Ugh.

From afar, I could see my shepherd giving me concerned looks. I could feel she wants to know what's going on. But, I just can't share it. Not now anyway.

Prayer meeting started and Pastor Moses lead the night. It started out high. We just praised Him. Apollos then lead worship. Almost everyone jumped to the great praise. Then the mood changed when we started the slow songs. I glanced through the hall and saw sad faces. Not sad, probably faces touched by God. I believe I had that face too. It was a low expression. Everyone was just basking in the presence of God, remembering their worries and knowing how God can heal all that.

At the corner of my eye, I noticed someone else basking in God's presence in her own way. She was dancing. A little girl, probably aged 8, was dancing to the soothing music for the Lord. Her innocence brought tears to my eyes. And the burden I carried on my shoulders that night, I could feel it being lifted off, just by watching this little girl dance.

She moved in twirls and would occasionally lose balance, but that didn't make her give up. She continued to lift her hands like a ballet dancer, probably something she saw on television. She made circles and at some point she would lift her legs. But being just a child, even though she used all her might, her legs would only go so high. Every time her leg lift was successful, she would smile and laugh while gesturing her arms, as if to compliment herself on the job well done.

Her dance made me enjoy God's presence so much more.

I was so concerned with my problems, I forgot how much a bigger person my God is. I forgot how much He loves me. Why am I worrying? Why am I depressed? My God is so much greater.

Yes, He is so much greater.

I returned home that night with a filled heart. Not filled with worries, but filled with realization of His love.

I know to a certain extent I was not healed fully. Glances of images would run through my head from time to time, but I know I have nothing to worry about when I have Him.

Thank you little girl. :) Your dance was truly graceful. 

Sleepless Night

I'm having one sleepless night I haven't had in a long while. I've always wondered how having a sleepless night felt like. For months I was fooled into thinking I had insomnia because I would toss and turn on my bed until 3 in the morning just to fall asleep.

Tonight I discovered that my past nights are just nights I wasn't tired enough. Tonight was the real insomnia. Every minute of it was excruciating. Without being able to sleep, constantly thinking. A time where my mind would not stop running.

Do you know how torturing it is?

"It's not as bad as it sounds," I tell myself. Who am I kidding? How can I be strong through every waking minute. I have so many questions, eager to find out all the answers. I'm happy yet I'm sad. The feeling is indescribable.

What should I feel now? I guess I'm just numb. To all this. Too numb to sleep. 

Too numb to feel anything right now.  I tried to cry, but  why aren't my tears flowing? It's dry. 

Grateful

Yesterday was the first time I served as a pianist in a Combined Life Group! :)

Truly thank those who have guided me to play! Roxanne, Terry, Caroline.. most importantly, thank you Father. :) I felt your presence in me.

Amen!

Pain

I read something interesting today on Facebook. A friend of mine posted that she wanted the pain in her heart to ebb away. To be gone as if it wasn't there. Then I gave it a thought.

What if pain didn't exist? Why did God even created pain? Why were there even pain receptors in our bodies when we would suffer so much from it?

Wouldn't it be better if we could just fall down, wipe away the blood and walk on, as if there was no pain? Or accidentally sipped hot coffee, burning our tongue, but continued drinking because we wouldn't feel the scalding burn.

What a world it would be if pain did not exist.

The truth is. Pain is real. And it's one of the most important thing to us, to keep our flesh living.

Without pain, how would we know if our body is hurt beyond repair? We would go on with our lives and one day we would die without knowing that our body is wearing off, without pain. When we hurt ourselves, we don't treat it, because we're not suffering from pain. Due to that, our wounds get worst, it gets deeper, and one day we'll only be an inch away from death.

Without pain, we would not have known how much Jesus has suffered through His crucifixion. The pain would all be unreal and He would have died peacefully, for nothing. It would not be God's nature. He wouldn't have been able to touch our lives and save us from our sins.

How great is the word 'pain'. It seems like an enemy most of the time, but it measures a whole lot of love behind it.

Why did God give us pain? Because he loves us.

The pain tells us, "Hey you're hurt. You should do something about that wound."

The pain tells us, "This is too much. You should stop hurting yourself before it's too late."

The pain tells us, "My child. I love you. And I would go through all this pain and suffering, just to die for your sins, so you can be saved"

The amazing pain. The real love.

Pain is not our enemy. It is a gift from God. 

I Need You More

Yesterday, during service Kim lead the praise and worship team to this wonderful song, "I Need You More" by Kim Walker. Lol. How divine. Kim leading Kim's song. :)

Yesterday also, Xin Yi asked the question, 'How's your feeling after coming to KL from East Malaysia?'

To be honest, I forgot that feeling. I've been here so long, I've gotten so used to this new air. It's not something new anymore. But there is one thing I'll always thank God for. 

For saving me. 

If I hadn't came to KL, I would not have been saved. At least not by this year. I can still imagine myself living in my worldly ways if I stayed in Kuching. I am so so glad I came here. To meet Tammie, to meet my Hope brothers and sisters. It's truly a blessing. 

"And Lord, as time goes by, I will be by your side. Cause I never want to go back to my old life"

Yes Lord. I don't ever want to. I want to leave my old life to my past. Now, I want to feel Your presence and I want You to be in every single thing I do. Words cannot express fully just how touched and happy I feel. To know You.

More than the air I breathe, 

More than the song I sing, 

More than the next heartbeat,

More than anything,

I need You Lord. 

The Lord always delivers

In times of trial, I got so lost. Something happened to my family. My house was robbed. Of course, the one in my hometown.

I was worried. Really worried. My parents were alone back at home when me and my sisters are here. There was no one for them.

Mom called me and I could hear trembles in her voice. She was probably shocked. I was lost too. I totally did not expect such a thing to happen. Totally did not expect humans to be so mean. I mean, it was expected, but I did not imagine it happening to my family.

It was an eventful night. I went from calm, to sad, to crazy. Thoughts went through and through. I was worried for them. I wanted to be there.

I sought refuge in God. I prayed, but I was not still. I know that He will deliver, but at the spur of the moment, there were doubts. What if the robbers came back? (seeing that they took some keys)

I continued to talk to others. To tam, terry, rox, those who were online, asking them to pray for my family. I'm glad I talked to them. They reminded me that God will work in His ways, just continue to trust in Him.

It was a long talk. But at the end of it all I felt foolish. Foolish for even having any doubts in the first place. He is able. As long as we trust in Him, we will never be disappointed.

Some words I received last night from my brothers and sisters.

"We all are weak but God is strong. Focus on what God can do. He will make you strong. Peace of God is in you. Amen"


"The only thing you can do now is pray. And you have been doing that. We have been doing that. God is not deaf. He has been protecting them, He will continue to do so. Not because you asked, because He loves them more than you know."

A moment of bliss when I can finally just bask in Him. Be still in Him.

"I keep my eyes always on the Lord.With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

-Psalm 16:8

I can't remember

I can't remember the last time I cried. I remember the last time I cried for God. But not these kind of tears.

The moment they fell from my eyes, it hurts. As if the whole world came crashing down. Everyone around you suddenly seems against you, even though you know they are not.

In a way I feel relieved. I have been holding back tears. These worldly tears.

"When can I experience them again?" I thought to myself a few months back.

Tonight marks the night. To tell me I am human.

Even during Prayer Meeting tonight, I felt as if I was a piece of decoration. Nothing touched me. The night just went by only for me to realize more things due to over-thinking. Why does my brain do this? It's on strike against my spiritual growth. Logic vs love.

Everyone around me was worshipping with their eyes closed tight, hands raised and some were crying. But me, I stood there like a doll. Emotionless. How can I go from such extremes from listening to 'Cornerstone' to suddenly feeling this tonight?

I guess it was a preparation for my after-thought. The part where I overthink. As if the night wasn't already bad, my brain decided to take a plunge. If my brain could talk, it would probably say. "Hey! Since she's already in a bad mood. Let's make her overthink and make it worse!"

Thank you brain.

Now as tears are streaming down, the thought of ONLY God will never fails us keeps ringing in my head. It is so true. So true. Only He will never fail us.

"Dear Father, 

I give thanks for being able to be human after a long while. To be able to feel these painful tears as a reminder that You will never fail us. Father I pray that You lift this sorrow from my life. I pray that You give me a mind and heart to think of the bountiful grace You have provided us instead on harping on negativity. Father Lord I am sorry my heart was not at the prayer meeting tonight. I pray that my heart can be changed and I will come to experience You more. Father I love You. "

Dating

Yesterday, a brother bought a book entitled 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye'

I was intrigued by the title. Dating goodbye? Interesting.

The only impression I got from the title was keeping relationships to just budding romances, until we are ready for a serious relationship.

Meaning to say, keeping it as friends, at just the courtship level. Why plunge into something when you know you're not ready? It will be a connection where both you and your (perhaps) someone special can submit fully to God.

Growing in Him is my ultimate priority in life. I don't know what else to live for (besides reaching out to others about Him). It's hard to keep oneself without submitting to worldly ways of dating. I guess the best way is to not get into one while you know you will succumb to wordly temptations.

God is good.

I have had experiences too. Worldly relationships are too much to handle. A waste of time and definitely very tiring to the spirit. It's hard to just keep to our own emotions, what more to say another person's? I was tired. And I was gaping for a breath of fresh air into my past relationship.

Of course, I didn't know God during that time.

Now, I'm just glad I can reunite with Him. When all things waivers, He is my anchor. He made me grow stable emotionally. I can safely say that whenever I have emotional innuendos now, I seek Him first. Let me assure you, there is no better way. He listens. All the time.

I have not read the book, but I'm looking forward to read it. Let's see what Joshua Harris has got to say about kissing dating goodbye.

"People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Luke 18:15-17

I want to remain in the innocence You are pleased with. Thank you Jesus. 

Cornerstone

Recently got myself addicted to 'Cornerstone' by Hillsong.

The line that rings out to me most is this,

"When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace."

It is so true. He is always so faithful. You know how sometimes humans tend to put trust and hope onto another human? I'm not saying it's not right, it's just that sometimes we hurt ourselves along the way.

We expect, but we never got our expectation as results. Not only about others, even we ourselves. How many times have we disappointed people around us? The answer is countless times. Because we are not perfect.

BUT imagine putting all that trust and hope on a God who gave you His only beloved Son. What else would He not give you?

Just goes to show that humans, they are controlled by their emotions and they let darkness hide God's face. Yet, above all, God is still so faithful. God is still faithful. He was and always will be there for our troubles, worries, anything in fact.

Anything. He accepts it all.

Hallelujah :)

Created a special blog for special stories. My walk and love story with God. :)