Yesterday we had prayer meeting. Went there earlier to accompany Rox for her first time serving as a pianist in church. Finished work early, got up and was about to leave, then suddenly an unknowing colleague walked behind me and spilled milo all over me. I was appalled. The day was pretty bad as it is, I mean collecting my emotional baggage and now this just had to happen.
I stormed all the way home. My heart was heavy. Like a rock. No, like so much more. I quickly rushed home to sneak a quick bath and changed. Kerry arrived at 6.15 sharp to fetch both me and Rox, and then it was off to church.
Terry asked me, "Choulyew, eat already or not?"
I said, "Already."
Seriously, what was the significance of that lie. In truth, I just don't have any appetite. I had no appetite for the past few days. I reckon it's not good because I'm skipping meals not because I want to, but because I just don't have the will to eat anymore.
As I watched them practiced, my heart was lifted slightly. As Apollos lead the team in practice, it amazes me to see how much joy is contained in one man. They cracked jokes out of nowhere. It was cheerful. I laughed alongside them, but I could feel myself very far from them. After the laughter, I'm back in that little shell of mine again.
I checked out these symptoms online. Seems like I'm having depression. Wow. Having depression without even knowing it. All I know is when I'm around friends, I make myself cheerful. I make myself fit in. Having a long face will not make any positive statement. Having a long face would only drag the mood down. So, I keep that hidden expressions behind me whenever I talked to them. These few days, why is this happening to me?
Ugh.
From afar, I could see my shepherd giving me concerned looks. I could feel she wants to know what's going on. But, I just can't share it. Not now anyway.
Prayer meeting started and Pastor Moses lead the night. It started out high. We just praised Him. Apollos then lead worship. Almost everyone jumped to the great praise. Then the mood changed when we started the slow songs. I glanced through the hall and saw sad faces. Not sad, probably faces touched by God. I believe I had that face too. It was a low expression. Everyone was just basking in the presence of God, remembering their worries and knowing how God can heal all that.
At the corner of my eye, I noticed someone else basking in God's presence in her own way. She was dancing. A little girl, probably aged 8, was dancing to the soothing music for the Lord. Her innocence brought tears to my eyes. And the burden I carried on my shoulders that night, I could feel it being lifted off, just by watching this little girl dance.
She moved in twirls and would occasionally lose balance, but that didn't make her give up. She continued to lift her hands like a ballet dancer, probably something she saw on television. She made circles and at some point she would lift her legs. But being just a child, even though she used all her might, her legs would only go so high. Every time her leg lift was successful, she would smile and laugh while gesturing her arms, as if to compliment herself on the job well done.
Her dance made me enjoy God's presence so much more.
I was so concerned with my problems, I forgot how much a bigger person my God is. I forgot how much He loves me. Why am I worrying? Why am I depressed? My God is so much greater.
Yes, He is so much greater.
I returned home that night with a filled heart. Not filled with worries, but filled with realization of His love.
I know to a certain extent I was not healed fully. Glances of images would run through my head from time to time, but I know I have nothing to worry about when I have Him.
I stormed all the way home. My heart was heavy. Like a rock. No, like so much more. I quickly rushed home to sneak a quick bath and changed. Kerry arrived at 6.15 sharp to fetch both me and Rox, and then it was off to church.
Terry asked me, "Choulyew, eat already or not?"
I said, "Already."
Seriously, what was the significance of that lie. In truth, I just don't have any appetite. I had no appetite for the past few days. I reckon it's not good because I'm skipping meals not because I want to, but because I just don't have the will to eat anymore.
As I watched them practiced, my heart was lifted slightly. As Apollos lead the team in practice, it amazes me to see how much joy is contained in one man. They cracked jokes out of nowhere. It was cheerful. I laughed alongside them, but I could feel myself very far from them. After the laughter, I'm back in that little shell of mine again.
I checked out these symptoms online. Seems like I'm having depression. Wow. Having depression without even knowing it. All I know is when I'm around friends, I make myself cheerful. I make myself fit in. Having a long face will not make any positive statement. Having a long face would only drag the mood down. So, I keep that hidden expressions behind me whenever I talked to them. These few days, why is this happening to me?
Ugh.
From afar, I could see my shepherd giving me concerned looks. I could feel she wants to know what's going on. But, I just can't share it. Not now anyway.
Prayer meeting started and Pastor Moses lead the night. It started out high. We just praised Him. Apollos then lead worship. Almost everyone jumped to the great praise. Then the mood changed when we started the slow songs. I glanced through the hall and saw sad faces. Not sad, probably faces touched by God. I believe I had that face too. It was a low expression. Everyone was just basking in the presence of God, remembering their worries and knowing how God can heal all that.
At the corner of my eye, I noticed someone else basking in God's presence in her own way. She was dancing. A little girl, probably aged 8, was dancing to the soothing music for the Lord. Her innocence brought tears to my eyes. And the burden I carried on my shoulders that night, I could feel it being lifted off, just by watching this little girl dance.
She moved in twirls and would occasionally lose balance, but that didn't make her give up. She continued to lift her hands like a ballet dancer, probably something she saw on television. She made circles and at some point she would lift her legs. But being just a child, even though she used all her might, her legs would only go so high. Every time her leg lift was successful, she would smile and laugh while gesturing her arms, as if to compliment herself on the job well done.
Her dance made me enjoy God's presence so much more.
I was so concerned with my problems, I forgot how much a bigger person my God is. I forgot how much He loves me. Why am I worrying? Why am I depressed? My God is so much greater.
Yes, He is so much greater.
I returned home that night with a filled heart. Not filled with worries, but filled with realization of His love.
I know to a certain extent I was not healed fully. Glances of images would run through my head from time to time, but I know I have nothing to worry about when I have Him.
Thank you little girl. :) Your dance was truly graceful.
Hey :) Just wanted to say that whatever you are going through, I was once (very recently) there. I felt like there was a dark cloud constantly above my head and there was a burden in my heart that I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand why I was feeling that way so I blamed it on my problems and my circumstances. But deep down I knew that it wasn't just my circumstances, I was happy before - even in the midst of the same problems. I was okay, then suddenly I wasn't anymore. It wasn't my problems, it was me.
For a few weeks I contemplated whether I was experiencing depression, but confessing that didn't help me, it was making the situation worse. I pitied myself and couldn't find the strength to want to get better. I just didn't want to. I was upset and I didn't know why.
My turning point was when I finally got so frustrated about my situation, I broke down and plain cried out to God. I told Him I couldn't get better, I couldn't do it, I didn't want to - I just want to get away from everything and hide. When I was finally honest about my feelings and took off the mask that I put on, it was then that God carried me. I shared my feelings with a pastor and when he prayed for me, he said he saw a dark cloud being lifted away from me. It wasn't an intense prayer, but God in His gentle mercies carried me and I finally understood what it was like to be soaring on eagles wings.
"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:30-31
I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this. Don't hide, don't put on a mask just because you are afraid that you would trouble others with your feelings. Don't keep this to yourself just because you don't understand what you are feeling. It is okay to say you are unhappy, it is okay to lean on others. Trust others with your feelings, give all and surrender so that God can take over.
I don't know what is going on in your life, but I do know how you are feeling. I know your friends want to carry you. I know God wants to carry you. Let Him carry you. Get better :)
Thank you Radiance for such a blessed comment. :) You ministered a lot to me through this. It's just amazing how you can read my feelings so easily based on your own experience. God is good.
ReplyDeleteI really do appreciate a good friend like you. Your testimony has definitely encouraged me. And that bible verse, it reminds me not to depend on my own strength. I hope to really experience soaring on eagles wings too after this difficult time passes. I can feel His healing in me after yesterday's prayer meeting. Slowly, but surely. :)
Stay blessed.